Joy
The first part of the first passage of The Tao says that the meaning of the Tao cannot be fully understood intellectually, it must be felt. Talking about it can be useful, but will never replace the feeling of it. I think of this as the equivalent of: “Let go. Let God”.
Control: What is life without control? I could use thousands of words to explain, but there is nothing quite like living it. A few to whom I’ve tried to explain, don’t get it. A couple of people do, mainly my wife and my good friend, Rajesh. They get because they live it. Again, this is more than intellectual understanding. Life, without control, is blissful. Life without judging every single person that I see is even better.
It’s about 6:00 AM now. My wife has just left for the airport. She’s flying to Dallas to attend her brother’s 25th marriage anniversary. She will meet me in San Francisco on Sunday night. Just even 2 months ago, I would have become a bit upset, if not angry because we were not traveling to SFO together. Now, since I am willing to accept things as they are, it’s not an issue. She didn’t force me to attend and I didn’t force her to fly with me. No guilty feelings whatsoever, only a wonderful hug and kiss before departure. That’s it. This, I believe, is the first time in 16 years that we’ve not traveled on vacation together. We are, however, catching the same flight back. I look at it as an opportunity to get to know myself better and to spend more time with my boys for the next two days. Pedro is coming home to stay with Tony for the week. The flight from CLT to SFO is about 5 hours, which will give me plenty of time to read one of the three new books that I have, all about the Tao. 
I’m sure the 5 hours will evaporate quickly. When I get to SFO, the first 10 hours of my life there are mine. I’m free to explore. I’ll take what comes to me.
Now
Anticipation: My wife, as well as others, have asked me if I’m excited about the pending trip. I can honestly say, no. I’m not ‘looking forward’ to it. What?!!! I’m very happy where I am now. A trip to California will not make me happier, that I know of. When I arrive there at that moment, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be happy too; however, I am here, now … not ‘looking forward’. When I look forward:
- I miss what’s happening now.
- it makes my day so much longer.
- The nights tend to drag on because I want to be reunited with my wife.
- I don’t spend the quality time that I want to with my boys. I’m somewhere else. My mind, then, is already in San Francisco.
- I feel anxious because I want everything to work out right – right meaning the way that I want it
When I get to SFO, I’ll certainly see different scenery, but no less important scenery. I’ll experience the magic of San Francisco, just like I experience the magic of Charlotte … a moment at a time. Looking back presents the same opportunities for those anxious feelings:ShouldaWouldaCouldaMightaOughta No thanks.
So, does this make me numb, uncaring, unfeeling, boring? Do I have any excitement in my life? Of course I have excitement, except it is real excitement because it is happening right now, not in my thoughts about what I might do or have done. What is disappointment? Disappointment is not having your ‘expectations’ met. No expectations. No disappointments. It’s a different way of looking at things.
My goal is to live outside of my thoughts, to be out of my mind, so to speak. Some might say that I’ve already arrived at that point! 
The joy comes when I see a friend that I’ve not seen in a long time or perhaps talk to them on the phone. The joy comes when I walk through the door, am greeted by my dog, drop my bags, and give him the same type of reception that he gives me every day. Down on my knees I go for a hug and a belly rub. I like when he rubs my belly!
Curious
The joy comes when I get to wrap my arms around my son upon entry and listen to how his day went and how many cool basketball moves he did for 15 minutes without end. The joy comes when I have that quiet time to learn about myself. The joy comes when I sit with my wife and have a glass of wine and talk about this and that. The joy comes when I submerse my foot in a cool stream, feel the water coursing around my ankles, feel the temperature variations as the water flows by, feeling the fish as they come to see what has invaded their territory. The joy is always there. There’s no need to anticipate, life will bring it to me moment by moment.
Am I a Tao sage or master? Heck no! I barely know what I’m doing. I’m just learning what it is intellectually and feeling it more and more each day. For the past two or three solid weeks, I’ve been totally without stress or anxiety. It’s quite unnerving if you start to anticipate: “Will I be able to have this feeling forever?”. This simply means that I need more practice in staying in the ‘now’.
In the end, I don’t know if I have explained it. You just have to live it.
For now, I am happy.
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5 Responses to “It’s difficult to explain.”
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I love the philosophy you’ve been sharing with us. The only thing I couldn’t do without is the excitement and anticipation of an upcoming event. I’ve always loved the thrill of looking forward to something that in my mind is wonderful…be it as a child – a holidays and birthdays and first (and last) days of school, to as an adult – my returned film arriving in the mail, or perhaps a photography book, or my weekend mornings out driving, hiking and shooting for hours. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed, but with ups come downs and I love the ride. The downs can only make the ups that much sweeter, and when you’re down, there’s no place else to look but up. I’m happy. Am I at peace? Well, I guess I am. I’m not calm, though; I mean, I wouldn’t describe as a calm peace like you write about. But I’ve never been “calm.” I’ve always pictured myself as a tiny little bundle of energy, hard to hold onto, let alone tie down. I guess that holds true, because when my children have writing assignments, I am sometimes inserted into their stories, and in them I am usually a tiny pixie of some sort that is always going here and there and doing it full throttle plus. That’s who I am.
Is there a turbo version of Tao for me, perhaps?? ;o)
Paul, I’m not sure, whether I would follow you completely down that road… I completely agree, that we have to get better in enjoying the “now”…
But – focussing too much on it – doesn’t that also imply, that we loose a lot? I mean, the “now” is just a tiny slice of the time that we should be aware of. And I think that we really should be aware of (respect, if not even embrace) things like “anticipation” or “disappointment”. They are part of the game, build a contrast to other things in life – and most important, those are a major, major motivation for learning.
Totally embracing the “now”, training yourself to be absolutely happy with it, in it – doesn’t that imply, that learning becomes less important?
Or…?
For me the trick is to get a balance between the past, the now and the future. And Tao might certainly add a very interesting perspective in that excercise.
Thomas
PS.: Your blog is becoming a real time-sink. Thanks!
Thomas, let me see if I can explain: Yes, I do get excited. For example, our friends, Richard and Tamami are coming to join us on this vacation; I’m excited to have the opportunity to vacation with them; however, I have no expectation beyond their arrival. I have no expectation as to what we will do together. I will just enjoy each moment as it happens. If it rains, so what. If it gets hot, so what, etc.
I do not think that one needs anticipation, nor disappointment to live. I look at it from a child’s view. If you’ve ever watched a child play, they are totally immersed in their play. During their play, their imagination takes over. They are in the ‘now’, fully. I watch my dog sniff everything during his walks. He follows his nose, never knowing where it will take him, nor caring.
Learning, is part of life. It’s called experience. I’m not sure of your connection with ‘now’ and learning. I learn for the fun of it. I read the Tao for the fun of it, not to become a better person. For me, past and future, are but concepts that we, as humans, have invented. There is only the eternal ‘now’. Past is a memory. Future, is an idea. You cannot operate on either of them.
Being in the now does not mean that you do not plan for the future, but what it does mean, to me, is that you follow the road that you set out upon and take whatever comes to you along the way. You know that you are not in control and therefore, nothing upsets you. You look at each new challenge, on the way to your goal, as a learning experiences, not a detour or a disaster.
Without fail, without exception for twelve years a passage or two from the Tao Te Ching centers me back in the emmense and all encompassing worry free present. Welcome
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