The way of life
It’s about 4:00 AM and I’m awake. Why? I guess that it just doesn’t matter. I’m awake. This is a very quiet time of the day. It’s time to open the door to the patio and let the sounds and smells of the morning enter the apartment. Even though it is a full moon, surprisingly, I don’t hear the mockingbirds singing. They’re usually quite vocal on a morning like this.
It’s a time for contemplation, honesty, and reflection. When these times come, I do my best to allow them to play themselves out. It’s too easy to stifle that quiet voice with some external noise like television, books, music, or even surfing the web. I find that writing and stillness, sometimes in equal measure, help me to clarify those thoughts.
Occasionally, in life, there are things that significantly affect us. It might be something that we read, heard, saw, or perhaps just thought about. It might be a series of events that play themselves out to our advantage, or perhaps disadvantage. Yesterday, I had two such events.
The first thing
First, I read David duChemin’s, With the Frame, sampler book. I’ve since read it two additional times. It’s a very generous 39 pages of his soon to be released book. Not only is it filled with some very nice photography, but it is very inspirational. It’s not a how to book, like so many that fill the shelves in today’s bookstores and online catalogs. It’s a book about, as he says in his introduction, “why to”. It’s about finding, honing, and following your vision. What is your vision? Why did you pick up your camera to take that shot? What stopped you and made you take that particular shot? I’m excited about receiving my copy of the entire book. I’m sure that I’ll write about it several times as I explore it. Notice: I get nothing from this other than to speak highly of a photographer that I admire for his courage, wisdom, willingness to share his experience, and encouragement others to follow their dreams.
I know that I get sidetracked sometimes about photography and what exactly is my vision. I admire those who have found their vision and have had the courage to pursue it. I’m still looking for both, I think. I am passionate about photography and about writing. Ideally, I’d like to combine the two, but into “what”, I don’t know just yet. For me, getting sidetracked is not an accident, if I’m honest about it. It’s about fear. Fear of the unknown. The voices start: What if … you’ve got to pay the bills, etc. Then, the other side: What if you never even attempt it, then what? A constant battle. One you may be familiar with. It’s easier to just go to work, do what you know, collect the check … Then, a book like David’s comes along and delivers a much needed kick to the head. Focus! It screams. Find your vision. Pursue it! Live your life! I know the words to be true.
The second thing
The second thing that happened yesterday: At work, we are not allowed to have cell phones in the area that I work. When I get to my car, I usually check my cell phone to see if anyone has called, left voice mails, or text messages. I then return the calls. Yesterday, I had 2 voice mails. Both from the same person, a Human Resources person, at the company that I work for. I have been offered a permanent position. This has been in the works for several months. On both sides, theirs and mine, it’s all about money. For them, hiring me means that they get a bigger piece of the pie. There’s no longer a middleman between them and me. For me, it keeps me employed. Notice, there wasn’t much except, it keeps me employed. I’d still be Charleston, so nothing changes there. Sure, the money is nice, but after a while, it becomes a trap rather than an asset. Perhaps it’s an excuse not to try something else. I’m really not sure. So, I had mixed feelings about it. When I think about returning to Charlotte, there is the warm feeling of returning home, but the cold feeling of returning to Bank of America, which seems to be the only game in town. I didn’t even like what I was doing while I was there. Boring. That would be the ultimate sell out! It’s what I think about at 4:00 AM.
Well, it’s 5:30 and it has taken me about 90 minutes to write this. The mockingbirds, and others, have begun their morning songs. It’s not so quiet now, but it is more peaceful now that their songs have replaced the silence.
Today is payday. Alas, soon it will be time to go to work …
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8 Responses to “Wandering and wondering”
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Paul, this was a great post, kind of the essence what blogging can be (in a great way). I’ve just recently stumbled across your blog, and empathize with your quandary. I’m not sure what you do for a living, but the call to express oneself through one’s photography is, at least for me, impossible to silence once it starts. I’m lucky to have a job I enjoy quite a bit. But even with that, the moment I get home, I just think “photography” in some form until I get to the office the next morning. I just have to trust that I’ll make the connections I need to make and my images will find their way in front of those who will want them in whatever fashion. I only know that trying to define what that ‘looks like’ isn’t going to help me much right now. Thanks for this post.
@Chris: Thanks for posting and for dealing with the over zealous spam filter. I have no idea why it did that to you. Anyway, by day I am a software developer. From the time that I met my first computer, a TRS-80, way back in the day, I knew that this was what I wanted to do for a very long time. I still ‘like’ it, it’s just all of the stuff around the periphery that is unpalatable, at times. I, like you, think of only of photography after work … during work … before work. There are few valid reasons not to follow the passion.
I’m in a similar boat. My current job isn’t bad; the vacation policy is IMO unacceptably stingy (two weeks, even for someone with 15 years of industry experience), but other than that it’s not bad. It’s not, however, great, either; I’m starting up on a project that I think will at least be worth the the effort it will take to get done, which is a pleasant change.
In the end, what I dislike about developing software is that the actual development part of things is a disappointingly small part of what I do for work as a software developer.
However, my focus is still on the photography. Although I’m also finding my vision, I’m also convinced that finding one’s vision is not a singular accomplishment; I suppose some people find their vision and then stick themselves in a rut, but I believe that it’s something that should continue to grow and evolve as long as you keep an open mind and continue to pursue photography.
Paul, a tough choice at any time and made even more so by the current economy. I’m sure it becomes even more complicated because you’re thinking how your choices will affect your family and others.
So what would Paul do if Paul had only to consider Paul? What would this look like?
Whatever the above answer is may not be a final solution but we should always start from a position of our own needs. It’s often easy as a father, husband, brother and friend to put others needs ahead of our own.
While doing this may make us feel noble for doing the “right thing” it doesn’t always make us happy.
If we can’t be exactly where we want to be at the moment then we need to have a plan for getting there.
Just my 2 cents (which is about as much as my 401K is worth these days).
@Earl: All valid points. There are times when we have to realize that we have dreams as well. Yet, we also have to have consideration for the family as a whole. It’s a tricky balance. The plan is what I need.
The photo is stunning and somehow, for me, a perfect companion to the text. Life is full of these moments when we are faced with choices that turn us inside out, isn’t it? Perhaps you are at a point in your life when you long to try something truly new and risky, even if it’s only to see if you can survive. I have confidence that if you continue the listening (which you do so well) you will hear the answer. I believe that we can survive making mistakes in life, but living in fear of mistakes will suffocate us. Keep listening to Paul. Your common sense and your strong values will keep you on the right path.
I think The Universe puts you where she wants you to be, if you listen to her and listen to your heart. And you are good at listening, so I’m sure things will work out fine.
I had friends telling me to think that the job that I took last year might be a waystation to the place where I’m ultimately supposed to be. But it turns out that the job looks more and more like my destination. But going in with moderate expectations and the ability to change directions later made my decision seem like less of a gamble and more like a good stepping stone.
In this economy I’m very happy just to have a job. (The supportive and fun environment is a very welcome bonus, though.) If you can pay the bills and have something left over to fund your passions, I think you can get by for a long time.
Hi Paul,
well, it looks as if we’re in exactly the same boat.
Mh, maybe, not 100% exactly, as my “off-shore job” is real fun most of the time. Well, perhaps “fun” is not the right word – “rewarding on a personal level” might be a better description. It’s definitely not the money that keeps me commuting between two countries.
Doesn’t make things easier…