I used to laugh when I saw the stereotypical middle aged guy portrayed in Hollywood movie. A classic example of this was in the movie, American Beauty. At the time that I watched it, I could not appreciate the story line beyond the surface; however, now that I’m smack in the middle of the middle passage, I can understand a bit better. Kevin Spacey turns in an excellent performance as a guy who is trying to navigate this middle passage the best that he can. He’s reached a point in his life where he’s done all the right things, said all the right things, been the best dad, husband, etc. that he can be, but there is deep dissatisfaction. I think that I’ll put the movie in my Netflix queue to watch it again.
I’m a big fan of Robert Longpre’s website, Through a Jungian Lens. Robert made a comment the other day on one of my posts. In it he said:
I can see it:”He said all the right things to all the right people, always with a gentle smile. He made us all feel loved, valued and at the center of the world. He was focused on us. Trouble is, we never, ever got to know him. He was like the perfect mirror for us. I wonder what he was really like, you know, who was he?”
This quote, I think, sums up the deep feelings in the middle passage, or mid-life crisis. Somewhere between 40 and 60, you reach this point. I’m 47 and haven’t a single clue as to who I am. Sure, I’ve worn various roles: Father, husband, caretaker, friend, etc. With respect to culture, etc., I’m a kind, considerate, polite person. I was taught that. In some ways, as Robert put it, the perfect mirror. However, in the second half of life, middle age, other feelings start to emerge. That shadow side that was suppressed for so long wants to assert itself. The other side that we disavow, but that really completes us. That part that wants something more from life than to just be a yes man, to have the right job, right house, right spouse, the smile on the face. There is a hunger, a deep hunger, to discover one’s true nature and desires. The earthquakes of the soul begin.
This is a time of intense growth and necessary suffering that goes along with it. Thinking back to my SoFoBoMo book, In Retrospect, it rather reminds me of middle school. That was a tough transitional age, but totally necessary.
In the evening, when all is quiet, the questions arise: Is this what you want? Why are you still doing this type of job? What about your photography? What about the things that you want from life? Have I simply ‘settled’ all of my life? Sometimes I just want to yell from the rooftop: “Who the hell am I and what is the purpose of all of this?!!!”.
I know that this growth is necessary and it is a gift; however, sometimes, I just want to know where I can exchange this gift or get a refund! If you are interested in this, a great book is: The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by Dr. John Hollis. I have it as an audio book and have listened to it a couple of times already. The book talks mainly about how this time is a time to have a great relationship with yourself, your true self, whoever that is. It’s about taking responsibility for yourself and knowing that no one, absolutely no one, can make you happy in this life. That’s up to you, but first you have to dig a bit and find that quiet voice, all the while removing layers and layers. This excavation is tiring work, but rewarding.
I cannot possibly state in words how much I have changed in the past year. I can probably state that it was probably the very small tip of a very large iceberg, however. I think that there is a lot more to come. Still learning …
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Great post. I’m always stunned and moved by your writing. Thank you.
Each of these passages is a struggle and comes with pain because each is a kind of re-birth. I have faith that you will be enriched by this middle passage precisely because of your clarity about the true nature of the period. You trust that it is a gift, in spite of how much it hurts. For a long time, I bought into the idea that the next passage would be easier and I would profit by what I learned during the last one. Alas. Each of these events comes with new, unimagined challenges, not to mentioned weakened resources. “Comfort” yourself with this thought: once you get through this one, you can begin to prepare yourself for the next one on deck.
I write about baby boomers a lot, so midlife crisis is a prominent topic. I’m going to link to this post. Very interesting ruminations.
@Chris: Thanks! I appreciate that.
@Anita: The way that I feel right now, I just don’t know that I could face another round. I’m sure that I could. I’m amazed at the strength that I’ve been able to muster from those unknown locations. Perhaps that is the point of it all, to show you how much you can endure … to place you beyond where you ever thought that you could go.
Have confidence that you will get through this one, and the next, and the one after that. Each will take its toll, and each will make you stronger. The big blessing is that they don’t come all at once and you get little settled periods between them. Of course, what gets people down is when one of those periods during which you should enjoy being somewhat settled is, itself, filled with some type of loss that prolongs the pain of the life passage.
You know I empathize. Believe me, I have floundered at each one of these events. Yet, in spite of how badly I navigated I’m still here, and my one advantage over you is that I have endured more of them. They are one of life’s inevitabilities—a growing pain, if you will.
You, on the other hand, have been studying philosophy for some time and arming yourself for just such a struggle. I confidently predict you will find a path that is rewarding and you will begin another leg of the journey a little more battle weary, but a little wiser.
We all know the good advice: Treat yourself to some quiet time indulging in your art, enjoying some long walks, or attracting some of the fascinating people who gather around you to share. Or, take on a huge challenge that forces you to focus on the needs of others and lose yourself in that struggle. Easier said than done when you think your head will explode.
Above all, be kind to yourself and be patient. Life is beating you up enough as it is.
@Anita: Thank you for your very kind and very wise words. I don’t think that life is beating me up any more than it does anyone else. I just have a blog to talk about it!
I think life is just forging some steel that I didn’t know that I had.
Regarding philosophy: I know that you are right. It’s good to be able to believe in something at these times. A philosophy is simply a way at looking at life that makes sense to us. At these times, while in the fire, we get to test how well our philosophy fits. We have talked the talk, now it’s time to walk the walk.
You cannot believe how often I’ve heard how good it is to go outside of yourself, volunteering for example, when you are hurting on the inside.
Thanks so much, Anita!
Wow! “… I just have a blog to talk about it.” That’s another one of your “I wish I had said that” statements.” Thanks. In the future, I may be borrowing your phrase frequently. I will be certain to give credit.
Even when you are down, you are up, Paul. Steel, indeed.
Shortly after turning 50, I awoke one morning to the reality that I was now middle aged. As far as my career went, I had accomplished most of my goals and a promotion was highly unlikely. Over the next month, I fell into a state of mild depression; as the fog finally cleared, I decided that what I need was to change my life.
Being a forester, I was trained in planning for the long term, so I sat down and developed a plan. No kidding, I actually did this! Then one evening over dinner, I announced my need for a change to my wife. Without missing a beat, I laid out my plan. My plan required one or more of the following: pierce my ear, get a tattoo, or dye my hair blond. When I was finished, my wife simply stated that she was happy I wasn’t going to do something silly like buy a shiny red sports car.
So with my plan developed, I set out to implement the change. My years as a planner told me that no plan works without knowledge of the facts, so I began to research my options. I quickly learned that when any part of the body is pierced with a large needle, it hurts like hell. Not liking pain, ear piercing was out. I further learned that a tattoo is expensive and also involves needles and thus pain. That option was also discarded. That left me only with dying my hair blond, no needles or pain required.
The following week while getting my hair cut, I asked my barber Shannon how I might look as a blond. Being a professional, she didn’t burst out laughing, but I could tell that she certainly wanted to. She then explained the process and how to go about it and gave me an estimated cost. She went on to politely explain that because I have very little hair (yea, I’m nearly bald) and I keep it very short, my dye job might last two weeks. At that point, I realized that my plan for personal change was about to crash and burn.
I shared my dilemma with a wise old friend and he gave me some pretty good advice. He simply told me to take life one day at a time and accept what comes. I suppose that in the end, it’s a lot like attempting to understand tomorrow’s weather, we can plan for it but we can’t change it!
Paul, I have to say that I am overwhelmed by your post and by your kind words for my blog site. As you know, I don’t have any answers, but I sure as hell have a lot of questions. Anyone who gives you answers doesn’t really know the questions. Once you open up the lid, it can’t be closed. You can’t return to the way it was. All you can do is continue the journey, stumbling and being humbled while you watch all your certainties crumble. As far as I can tell, the journey is worth all of it. Little by little one begins to feel whole – even holy.
Great post, Paul. The longer we’re on this journey, the more we realize there is no end, just the journey. There are never any real answers, just more questions. As you well know, we _can_ become more zen about it all.
I’m in that space myself. I find myself clinging to photography (amongst other things, like family, etc.) as if it were one of the life rafts of my life. It’s been a defining part of me and something that I’ve been able to count on in all kinds of times.
It’s nice to see you working these things out through your writing and photography. Good outlets.
My late forties and early fifties were not years I’d like to revisit. Be aware there may final answers to all the questions. We, as is our environment, are constantly changing so it’s more about finding your sea legs then tying your boat to the dock. Hang in there!
I know what you mean, I’m 45 and also full of thoughts.
“I know that this growth is necessary and it is a gift; however, sometimes, I just want to know where I can exchange this gift or get a refund!”
I’m happy I learnt to know you. You’re quite a revolution, sometimes. And hell of a writer!
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Correction to my prior comment “Be aware there may NOT be final answers to all the questions.”
Interesting to me that I read this the way Earl thought it. Hmmm.
Wow! So many fantastic comments!
@Steve: Thanks for sharing that story. It was quite funny, especially because of the reasons that you decided not to get a piercing and a tattoo! LOL! Ouch!!!
@Robert: I know that no one has the answers, not even me! My wife and I, since we are going through this at the same time, discuss it, but never come to any conclusions. With each question that you ask, and perhaps answer, some 50 more pop up! Thank goodness for photography! It gives me something to do other than ponder my world … or perhaps it is yet another way that I ponder my existence.
@Eric: My camera certainly helps to keep me afloat! As I told Robert, I’m thankful for it!
@Earl: I certainly hope that the early 50′s will be less intimidating and unsettling.
I need a good pair of sea legs! Can I borrow yours?!
@Ove: I’m that we met too!
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An excellent post that is likely to touch anyone who is going through/or been through those years. One thing I often said to myself over the years, “Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.” That helped me make the transitions I needed to and move on.
I’m a female, age 57, thankful I am at this stage of life…although it is a continuing journey. I navigated through several stressful careers to where I am today, doing what I know I am supposed to do, enjoying every day, and at long last, finding work-life balance. The journey here was incredible but the journey is what made me who I am today…and I made it with my husband of 36 years and 3 amazing children. I very much want to continue the journey and not be complacent.
I’m so glad I found your blog.
What a thought-provoking post – it really resonates. I’m looking forward to getting my hands on the book you recommended.
Thought provoking post. I’ve been in the midst of redefining my role in this world since my oldest enlisted in the army in 2005. That event made me realize that my main role as “mom” was officially in transition. Soon the kids would all be out of the house and transitioning into their new roles as independent young adults. It has been quite a journey so far and I just sort of go with the flow of things these days. I think I was stressing out with a sort of urgency to find my new role but I now realize there is no urgency and just let things play out. I am not passive by any means but I just don’t worry about it or analyze it so much any more. I find things much more peaceful this way.
@Laurie: I think that it is really hitting my wife very hard. That roll of mother is extremely important to her. For me, I’m looking forward to spending some alone time with my wife in our new rolls as independent adults.