The above photo is from my lunchtime journey to Riverfront Park. It’s quite a relaxing place to sit and eat, especially on a warm and partly cloudy day. If you look, you can see two men in a small fishing boat near the shore. To the left of me were two other men doing pretty much the same as I was doing, watching the ship head on upriver. I continue to read the book Death of a Hero, Birth of the Soul. I continue to find it fascinating.
One part of the book talks about the male community:
If a man is lucky, he will also discover his need for other men at midlife. Men to talk to, to share life with. He needs to replenish himself with forms of male spirit and community that were totally absent in the competitive quest for status. (Johnson, Death of a Hero. p 35)
As with so much of this book, I find this to be true. I find that I yearn to find other men, similar in age and temperament to talk to and to share this journey, my journey, their journey, a man’s journey. Further, I seek, also, to find older men, elders if you will, to gain a bit of their wisdom and friendship.
I have a very good friend, Gordon, and many are the times that I wish that he were nearby so that we could talk, laugh, or even cry without feeling embarrassed. Of course, in American society, when you see two men who are frequently together or perhaps having dinner together, all sorts of homophobia starts to surface. Men aren’t supposed to be close unless they are gay. Ridiculous!
Of course now that I’m reading about this and thinking of it, I see all sorts of men hanging out together. In the past two days I’ve seen 3 such two-man groups, all of them by my estimation, over 40. I guess that it’s kind of like when I first bought my car, I had never paid attention to gray Toyota Camry’s. After I got my car, it seemed like everyone had a gray Camry! I guess it just opened my eyes to see.
When I started writing this post, I thought that I had more to say, but I guess that I don’t. I’ll leave it right here for now. Perhaps I’ll have more to say later.
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11 Responses to “Men and friendship”
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I too started to gravitate towards more males somewhere around the 40′s. I was very much aware of that. I still like to spend time with men who have similar journeys and who are willing to listen as well as share life experiences. When they share thier experiences, rather than tell me what to feel or think, we have the foundation for the companionship I desire. Hopefully I can be such a person to them also. Mentoring is wonderful to experience whether we are the mentor or the student.
Monte: Thanks for chiming in on this one. I knew that this one would have a rather low ‘readership’ and probably even fewer comments.
I’m with you, I’d like to spend time with men who are on similar journeys. Unfortunately, I seem to find them on the web, such as you, Chris K, and Ray K, to name a few. I have been fortunate to spend time with Earl and has certainly been some good, valuable time, but too few and far in between, IMHO. 
I feel like I”m a mentor to some of the younger guys at work, though, but it would be nice to have a mentor, too.
Hey, we started having lunches together and the next thing I know you’re moving out of town!
I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent as well.
I just noticed it’s only us “senior” guys that’s commented so far — ok everyone, group hug!
What can I say, Earl? It certainly wasn’t planned that way.
Also, I think that it’s only the senior guys that care about this; the younger guys, or knights, are still out conquering kingdoms, rescuing fair maidens, and building their castles.
Several of my former coworkers shared an annual “male bonding experience” called hunting. In many ways I was envious of their shared experience but somehow I never could see myself tromping through the woods with a rifle chasing a deer or elk.
Certainly I find that in my online photo blog conversations between Paul, Paul, Paul, Monte, Ray, Mark, Ove, Tom (just to name a few) we talk about much more than simply apertures and shutter speeds. The afternoon I spent with Ray was special, and makes me want to plan and attend other such trips with the rest of this community.
I grew up in Europe and I always found a strong solidarity amongst older men, who as you say, are done with “conquering kingdoms, rescuing fair maidens, and building their castles.” It is quite common to see men in pairs or small groups deep in discussions, sharing past joys and regrets, exchanging jokes or deep insights.
I don’t know about the States so much but here in Australia and in the UK as well, there isn’t the same kind of bonding as I have seen in Europe, in places like France, Italy and Greece. In Australia it is deemed bad form for men to share feelings that go beyond their love of sport, beer and sheilas (women). It’s unfortunate.
Some time back I took it upon myself to start a “movie club”, kind of like a book club but instead of reading books we go out to see a movie then we go to dinner where we discuss the movie over a few beers and some fine food. What I have found is that such discussions based around the analysis of a movie invariably spill over into more personal stories and over time our little group has become much more intimate.
An excellent idea, Cedric. I shall steal it!
How did you start the club? How did you get the word out? I believe that the movie idea would go over better than books because it’s just easier and reading seems to be a lost art.
As for the U.S., the only type of male bonding that you’re likely to see is what Steve talked about, hunting, fishing, and sports … all ‘manly’ things. And, there’ll be no sharing of feelings, that’s just plain ‘gay’. It’s really sad.
A movie club is definitely better than a book club. I just don’t know too many guys who have time to read these days, I know I don’t. Anyway that would come across as being too gay.
I initially called up 4 friends who I knew were into movies and suggested we meet for a movie followed by some beers. The first movie we saw was “Gran Torino”. Can’t get more manly than Clint Eastwood and it was a movie that none of the wives wanted to see. I always pick the restaurant too. I look for a place that serves good food, good beer and relatively quiet so that it’s easy to talk. Anyway that first night was a big hit with everyone wanting me to organize the next night asap. Since then we’ve had a number of these sessions each time with the same core group but with an additional guest or two on different occasions. Interestingly, the guests always comment about what a great thing we’ve got going and often mention the fact that they enjoyed the conversation most. We do get into some pretty deep stuff
I like that it’s a small group. It’s easier for everyone to feel at ease and to participate in the conversation and there’s not too much testosterone flying around for it to degenerate into a drinking binge (which often happens in Australia when you get a lot of guys together).
A couple of the guys have home theaters so we may even have the odd session at someone’s place in the future, watch a DVD and then have a BBQ. Should be good.
I often have the privilege of working offshore on vessels doing heavy construction work offshore, building oil platforms, laying pipelines that kind of thing. The vessel crews hail from all over the world and its not unusual to see guys from SE Asia holding hands or embracing, not sexual, not “gay” just the way they do things.
But over here in the west things are different but I had an interesting experience a few years ago. I was very ill (nearly fatal) and had to take a few months off work, when I returned I was surprised at the degree of physical affection showed to me by my male colleagues and how much they wanted to talk about my experience. This desire for intimacy and important conversation is there it just needs an excuse to get out.
My best friend and I have occasional film club nights when family life allows – not often enough our last outing was to see “Gran Torino
Thanks for sharing your story, Gavin. It certainly is a cultural thing. It’s really good, IMHO, that the guys welcomed you back affectionately and wanted to have conversations with you about your experience instead of doing the ‘manly thing’ by patting you on the back and making a joke or two and then moving on.