“One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised. ~~Chinua Achebe”
Finally, I am able to share some things that I had not been able to share earlier, or didn’t feel comfortable doing while employed with a defense contractor.
From 1986 until 1992, I worked for Raytheon, a defense contractor. At the time, they were known as E-Systems, Garland Division. When I left there I swore to myself never to return to defense contract work, especially in any capacity that required a secret clearance or above. There were no noble reasons behind it, I just didn’t like the hassle of the clearance and all that it entailed. The invasion of privacy, big brother and all that.
Flash forward to July 2008, 16 years outside of defense. I took another job as an employee of a government contractor. Never say never. I didn’t give it too much of a thought. I needed a job, so I went back in. It was the closest thing that I could get to home. Problem solved … at least for the first 10 months, or so. As part of the job, we had to pay a visit to an Air Force base in Jacksonville, Florida around the June timeframe, I think. Let’s call it June 2009. The four of us were looking forward to going and getting to see the aircraft where our software would be installed.
The first day was a travel day, nothing doing until the next morning. The next morning, we got up, met in the lobby, and ate breakfast together. A couple of our sponsors were there, so we ate with them. As we ate, somehow the conversation turned to work and the ‘hopes’ for the system. Talk turned to kill ratios, and effective kill zones, and the efficiency of killing. Talk continued about bad guys and how they deserved to be killed and that the system that we were working on would allow the Navy to have a lower cost per kill. Truthfully, I was speechless, almost tearful. I was embarrassed. I sat mute.
The rest of the stay was pretty gray for me. I was in the dumps, but didn’t share my opinions with anyone else. Everyone else, it seemed, was into it and proud of the system. I, on the other hand was seriously conflicted. I thought: I spend all of this time, after work, marveling at the wonder that life is and appreciating all living things, but by day, I lend my abilities to death and destruction. I am a willing participant.
I sat with these feelings for months and months and finally decided to have a discussion with my wife. She told me that if that was how I felt, and she understood, then I should just quit immediately and find a job back home. I started looking, but none were available. Obviously, I kept the job, but the wind had gone out of my sails. The project, though a demo, was a success and lauded by a great many. Certainly, had I not be there to do it, they would have gotten someone else to do it and it might well have been a success.
Eventually, I moved onto another project that was basically administrative in nature. It gathered data, but deep down, it gathered data for the purposes of staging attacks, etc. Sigh. When the the word came down that I had been let go, it was a disappointment in that my ego felt a bit bruised, after all, I had been doing a good job. Later, after a few days, I felt rather elated and didn’t know why. One morning, while meditating, the answer popped up. You are no longer in conflict about your job.
Looking back, I wish that I had had the ability to pull out right as the conflict hit, but as I’m learning, sometimes you just have to sit with things and they will resolve themselves for the betterment of everyone.
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20 Responses to “Conflict resolved”
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Paul, these are clear words about a conflict that is really hard to bear (if you have that kind of sensitivity, that is), and I am glad for the fact that you have found a way out of it. And your image is a perfect illustration: a swing, an innocent thing, bringing pleasure at first hand. But it’s made of metal and this might serve as a metaphor for all the constrictions it might bring with it. Of course you can swing within the system, but in there is no way out.
Thanks, Markus. I picked this image specifically because it reminded me of childhood, innocence, and fun. The direct opposite of what I was working for.
In my previous life I did test development for board test systems (ATE). It always bothered me to work on projects where the printed circuit boards were round, something told me these were not going into refrigerators. After reading your post today I realized one more reason for more contentment in my life now, no more military contract work.
I now work in a job where I have face-to-face interaction with people who are traveling. We never know where they are going or coming from. It could be a funeral, a wedding, a new grand baby, a honeymoon, a job interview, etc. I know I sleep much better at night but with less money in the bank.
I do not like conflict whether that is with someone or within me. I’m glad you no longer have that internal conflict with your work. Hopefully this next job will be more in alignment with your personality.
Certainly there are always trade-offs. However, some are easier to deal with than others. My next job, I will return to the investment bank where it’s all about money, 6, 7, 8 and 9 figure money. I can deal with that a lot better than I can with the thought that what I put together helps someone kill someone else for less money! The good thing is that the software that we wrote was demo, proof of concept, not even close to production grade, so at least I know that none of my actual code will be going into battle.
The job that you do sounds interesting, especially getting to meet all different kinds of people, some that you were glad to meet, others, not so glad. And, like you said, you never know where they are going or coming from or what’s going on in their lives.
Wow It’s easy to put your head in the sand and feel like it’s something that involves other people, far far away from where you are but when you talk of people discussing such a subject in such direct language it brings it home. I’m glad you don’t have to feel that conflict any more.
Julie: I think that the even more frightening thing was that it was discussed with such ease, like it was an abstract concept, or perhaps a video game. It was almost as if they were talking about simulations, not people.
Having served in the military and having worked (long, long ago) for a defense contractor, I’m the last person in the world to “pass judgement”. But your story seems to be in sharp contrast with your opening quote.
And while banks in general aren’t involved with the use of “deadly force” in the military sense, there are millions of people around the country (and around the world) who would probably put them at the bottom of their list of peaceful, friendly institutions. They’re not exactly held in high esteem these days. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, huh?
My point is simply that if you work for any kind of corporate or government entity, you’re likely to play some small part in harming someone, somewhere, somehow. True altruism is a rare commodity these days. Once lost, it cannot be reclaimed. Kind of like virginity, you know?
Paul, I put that quote up there for the very reason. It is in direct contrast to what I “was” doing. I know what you mean about banks, etc. However, as they say, one has to pick one’s poison. Further, I’m not holding myself up as a shining example of integrity and altruism, merely mentioning my conflict. People get conflicted. Some talk about it. Some don’t.
Yes, there is always, always balance. Even with the photo above, the swing, while it represents, perhaps, childhood, wholesomeness, and light, the chains on the swing are made from steel that had to be mined from the earth perhaps by underpaid workers in a third world country, etc. Balance.
When I see that I am in a situation where I am conflicted where I am not living in accord with my beliefs, it’s time to leave, in one fashion or another.
Lastly, this is nothing against the military, per se, just against my participation in that type of destruction.
I’m am glad that Paul Maxim raised the issue he did, I was not going to say anything here on the issue.
Integrity is doing what you believe is right even when it costs you. Banks, military I don’t see much difference just one is more open about what it does and is doing if for country not personal gain.
I wish you the best in the new job Paul and hope it is a better fit.
One thing is for sure, not everyone will agree with my point of view.
“One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised. ~~Chinua Achebe”
Excellent point, Ray!
It’s too bad the sponsors you ate with weren’t more focused on protection of our troops in harms way and saving lives, no matter what side of the conflict they may be on.
I do hope that the next pursuit is much more fulfilling Paul.
They rather liked the offensive part of it, though it certainly could have performed admirably as a defensive or intelligence gathering system.
Reading this and the comments I was thinking — In the trust and honor categories I personally rank the military much, much higher then the majority of large corporations these days.
Paul, sorry, but your view of the military is narrow. Much more of their mission is about protecting lives and property then it is about destruction. Also, all battle systems have a main purpose these days, to save the lives of our solders and civilians and to shorten the conflict by strategically defeating the enemy. Yes, that means some of the enemy will die, but less then if it’s a long drawn out conflict with indiscriminate weapons.
If would be nice if there was no need for a military but sadly that’s not the world we live in.
I’m thankful there are people out there insuring that if we are forced into a conflict we have a better than average chance of winning — but I respect your wishes not to take part in it.
Best of luck with you new job!
Earl, certainly my view is narrow, but in being honest with myself, I have to look at my participation in it. There was no slight intended for the military nor for those who currently serve or have served. My sincere thanks to them. There are many facets that I didn’t explore and that post would have been huge, unwieldy, and probably confusing.
Paul
I think you are being too hard on yourself, any country that wishes to defend itself needs armed forces and all those who benefit from that defense have a duty to provide those armed forces with the best technology they can. There is no shame in taking part in delivering that duty.
I have worked in the defense industry and I am proud of my time there, brief though it was.
But making light of the killing any war involves does make me feel the way you did on that day in June.
It’s funny how time changes our opinion of certain careers.
A colleague of mine told me once of his father who joined the nascent nuclear power industry in the late 1940′s and was lauded by his family and friends but by the time he retired in the 80′s was scared to admit his profession for fear the reaction it would engender.
Good Luck in your new post
Gavin
Gavin, they weren’t so much making light of it, just talking about what they thought was important … the offensive side of the coin and how to make it more effective. As for being hard on myself, it’s just being honest with myself. I grow a little each day and my attitudes, opinions, and thoughts on things change and I have to change with them. This is where I am now. I know that many will not agree, but that’s cool too.
Paul, please, please keep your “narrow view”! Although one could regard military as a necessary evil (a view that in itself can be debated at length), without people who are “jumping off the bandwagon” things will never change. Kudos to you and how you handled your inner conflict!
And, to be honest, I really don’t think that banks and military are comparable in any way. Completely, utterly different issues.
Thanks for the support, Thomas. It seems that each time that speak about the military and my ‘wish’ that we didn’t need it, or my desire for peace, etc, there seems to be some backlash telling me how unrealistic I’m being. That’s OK, though. I used to think that way just a few years ago. Now, when I think of governments sending people (children) off to die because of some ‘fear’, but no real reason, it saddens me. I realize, too, that everyone has their own opinion, including me.
When I think of the number of wars that we’ve participated in and how many have died … sigh. A question that I ask myself: Who are we defending ourselves against? Individuals (Terrorists), not countries. When I think about it, there have only been a very few wars that threatened our freedom: The War for Independence from England (1775–1783), and World War II (1939-1945), which we tried to stay out of, but Japan forced our hand on December 7th, 1941, with the attack on Pearl Harbor. Other than that, I can see no other war that threatened our freedom. Certainly, we are fighting to protect our interests elsewhere, which I suppose could be constructed as protecting our freedom. Anyway, it’s killing all the same.