Humor

How do you start this damn thing?!

Posted by Paul on December 15, 2010
Posted in: Humor, Personal. Tagged: .

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Lake Winnipesaukee – Wolfeboro, NH

Almost time to land. The pilot says: Welcome to Boston. The current time is 9:20 AM, temperature, 17 degrees Fahrenheit and sunny. Kind of cold. After landing, I exited the terminal into the winter’s embrace. An embrace, I must say, that I did not enjoy. Cold kisses are not fun!

I took the Hertz bus to the rental facility and rented a car. I was told that my rental car would be waiting on the side of the building for me. I waited for a while, but no show. Went back in, nearly frozen, to check on the status. It was there that I was told that a new guy was supposed to have brought the car forward, but he didn’t. I was assigned a new car.

I went to my car, a 2010 Nissan Altima. The first thing that I wanted to do was get some heat going. I was cold! I reached for the key to turn on the car. Ummmmm. No key, not only that no ignition key hole. Down, and to the left, there was a key fob sticking out. I pulled out they curious looking thing. No key there, only four buttons. From the top: Door lock, door unlock, trunk open, panic. No key.

Ah, ha! There was, however, a start button. I pressed it. The radio came on, but the car didn’t start. The radio was not generating enough heat for me. Ah, I get it, the seat belt has to be fastened. Click! Push! Nothing! The radio went off! Odd place for a radio on/off switch, don’t ya think??? Ok? Anymore bright ideas??? What am I missing in this interlock requirement.

Now, those of you who have such high tech wonders already know the answer, but I didn’t know just yet. I shivered and pondered for a moment. I’ll cheat! I’ll read the instruction manual! I’m so smart!!! I looked for the instruction manual. Nothing. Still shivering. I almost caved and went back in to ask for guidance, but, being the curious sort that I am and, as some women might say, being a man and not wanting to ask for directions, I persevered, shivering all the while. A manly man!

Click! Click! Click! Gears turning … idea! Ah, maybe, just maybe the brake pedal needs to be depressed. Depress … Push … Vroom! Success. Who’s the man?!!! I don’t need no stinking instruction manual! LOL

During the entire time of the rental, two days, I never did get quite used to not having a key and it was quite funny to see me attempt to turn off the car with the nonexistent key. Every time!

So there you have it. Easy as 1, 2, 3. ummm, 4

1. Have proximity key on your person.
2. Fasten your seat belt.
3. Depress the brake pedal.

4. Push the button, and your off!

Damned technology! Now were’s that keyhole?! You can’t exactly go to the hardware store and copy the key, either! I feel so left behind! :)

Stomach to Paul: I dare you to do that again!

Posted by Paul on October 12, 2010
Posted in: Humor. Tagged: .

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L – R: Tim, Kim, Matt

Oh how I remember those care free days of youth. In the summer, if we were lucky, we got to spend some time at either Cedar Point or Geauga (Gee-aw-ga) Lake ParK. Both of these amusement parks offered hour upon hour of fun. I remember that all that I wanted to ride all day was the roller coasters. That’s when I was, shall we say, on the uphill side of roller coaster riding.

It’s been a number of years since I’ve been to an amusement park. As a matter of fact, I think that the last time that I went to one was when Tony was around 5 years old, back in 1997, give or take a year or two.

The other day, Kim and Matt decided that they wanted to go to Carowinds and then Scarowinds. Carowinds is the amusement park located right on the North/South Carolina borders. I’d never been to this park, so I said: Why not. So, the four of us set off on our adventure. BTW, all of us are Peaceful Dragon students. Hmmm, seems to be a trend here.

It was a beautiful, October day. The temperature, surprisingly, was near 90 degrees! I was all pumped up to do some coaster riding like I used to do back in the day! At least that is what I thought at that time.

Carowinds has lots of thrill rides. Each ride is rated from 1 to 5. A rating of 1 is the easiest, zero thrill ride. A 4 is considered a thrilling ride (one black diamond); A 5, an aggressive thrill ride (two black diamonds).

The following may not be the exact order, as I don’t remember. It’s all a fog now. LOL. When we went, there were no lines. Just walk up and get on.
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1. The Intimidator – Billed as the longest, fastest, and tallest coaster in the Southeastern US. This was a fantastic and thrilling ride to step on first thing in the park. The first hill was amazing in the experience of zero-G. What a rush. At the end: Stomach to Paul: That was amazing and fun, just like on the old days. Let’s do another one!!!

2. After Burn – Another very cool coaster. 6 inversions!!! This is one of my favorite types of coasters. Inverted. Feet dangling. At the end: Stomach to Paul: Ummmm. That was … fun … want to do another one?

3. Nighthawk – I’ve never ridden this type of coaster before. The coaster starts with you entering the car, putting on shoulder harnesses and safety bar. The coaster reclines and places you on your back. Yes. You are facing skyward. The first hill seemed pretty easy. You didn’t have the feeling of rising. All you could see was sky. However, after that first drop. Damn! That crazy thing starts spiraling and turns you on your stomach for a trip down a loop, then around. You’re heading right for the water, then suddenly you’re headed back up the loop for another loop and a few more spirals. At the end: Stomach to Paul: Dude! 8 inversions!!! I’m about to jump outta here! You might want to reconsider your riding these number 5 rated rides! Seriously!!!

About this time, I took a pause, didn’t even want to go on the swings, shown in the photo. I think this was rated a 3. A side conversation took place:

Stomach: I’m upset, buy me an Icee.

Brain: I ain’t paying $4 for a 39 cent drink. No way!

Stomach: Damn it! Just buy the damn thing or I’m going to revolt!!!

Brain: Fine! You don’t have to shout.

Stomach: Cheap bastard!

Brain: What was that?

Stomach: Nothing! How about that Icee!

4. Thunder Road – Time to step back a notch. Let’s try a 4. This brought back memories. Good old wooden roller coasters. I enjoyed the ride. This, by the way, was the first one that Kim road on with us. It was a bumpy ride, but not too bad. Rather tame after the first 3 coasters! Stomach to Paul: OK. I could deal with that, but we might need more of a rest, ok?

OK. Another pause. Matt and Tim went to ride the pirate ship while Kim and I stood around and talked. I didn’t think that I could handle the upside down pirate ship. No thanks. My stomach, still upset, was calming down.

5. Carolina Cyclone – Here’s the description: A steel coaster that spins guests through four consecutive 360 degree loops and a 450 degree uphill helix. – Stomach to Paul: Do you really think that I’m gonna cooperate if you do that? Fuggedaboutit! – I listened and didn’t ride. Matt road it. By that time, Tim’s tummy was talking to him, too!

6. Drop Tower – Another 4. Easy one. Sit the chair, go up, fall down! Piece of cake. Stomach to Paul: Now, that’s more like it, idiot! :)

7. Scream Weaver – OK. My last hurrah – Imagine riding inside of a centrifuge … with an upset stomach! By the time that the damn thing started spinning, I was wishing that it was over and we hadn’t even started tilting yet. All that I could do was close my eyes and breathe: Stomach to Paul – I told you! I told you! I told you!

Well, that was my last ride of the day save for one more trip on Drop Tower. When I exited Scream Weaver I saw the sign for another coaster, Vortex. Just the name shot waves of discomfort through me. My stomach said: OK. I draw the line here. I dare you to do it again!!!

I didn’t take the dare!!!

Matt, Kim, Tim: Thanks for a great time!!!

Ohhhhh. That’s what she wanted!

Posted by Paul on August 23, 2010
Posted in: Humor, Personal. Tagged: .

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Did you hear what happened? He didn’t have a clue!

Well, I’m about to use yet another word herein that I’ve not used before. However, this time I won’t tell you what it is. You’ll have to look for it. Haha. It’ll be easy to spot.

OK. I’m not a street savvy guy. Never have been, probably never will be. So, here I am, downtown Akron, shooting pictures with Chris Klug. Yes! We met this weekend, but more on that in another post.

So, here we are in the heart of downtown, across from the library, taking photos. We each sit on the edge of a water fountain that has some interesting modern art, taking photos from a different angle. I finished first, then started looking around for other things to photograph. Chris kept shooting.

I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. A young lady was approaching. She had a shaved head, a pretty face, and a nice set of … ummm, personality. ;-) She came right up to the fountain and sat beside me. A conversation ensued:

Lady: What’s up?
Paul: Nothing much. What’s up with you?
Lady: Just out looking for a place to spend the night.
Paul: Oh really?
Lady: Yes. Really.
Paul: (Silence … don’t know what else to say. “Nice weather” doesn’t seem appropriate)
Lady: So, like I said, I’m looking to find a place to spend the night.
Paul: Oh. Well, good luck.
Paul: Chris! You ready to go?
Chris: Ready when you are.
Paul: (to lady). Well, it was nice meeting you. We’re from out of town and we are just down here doing some photography.
Lady: OK.

So, we left. That was that. When I told the story to my brother, Charles, he laughed pretty hard. He said: Doug! (my middle name). You didn’t know that that was a hooker trying to pick you up? What she was saying was that she wanted the two, or perhaps three of you, to get a room, transact some business, and then she’d keep the room the rest of the night. My brother Charles, in his earlier years was of the street, for the street, by the street, so I trust his interpretations of these things fully!

I said to Charles: Ummmmm. No, I didn’t know that! :-) Well, I know a little bit about cameras, but precious little about the street!

Hobbs, you’re all wet!

Posted by Paul on August 5, 2010
Posted in: Humor. Tagged: , .

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To say that Hobbs has an slight aversion to water would be, shall we say, a huge understatement. He accepts it as something to drink. He will stay still long enough to take a short bath, but doesn’t like it, but other than that, water has absolutely no use for him.

On our morning walks, people usually have their sprinkler systems going. Hobbs walks on my left; we always walk the opposite direction of traffic, with him safely away from any traffic, but close to the medians where the sprinklers are. Fortunately for him, most of the sprinklers point inwardly towards the lawns, with the occasional errant sprinkler spraying a bit of water into the street.

Whenever Hobbs spies such an errant sprinkler, he immediate starts a slight slant to the right, wanting nothing to do with that sprinkler. This morning, around 7:25, we were finishing up our walk. We were on the side walk, Hobbs on the left, me on the right, the median to the left. Suddenly, the sprinklers on the median came on. There were 5 of them directly in our path, streams crossing the sidewalk.

At first, I thought that I would go out in the street, avoiding the water, but it was warm and humid and I was sweating. I thought that a nice spray of water would feel pretty good. The streams were starting out at about mid-calf height and shooting upwards. Mind you, this put them right about even with Hobbs’ side. :-) Figuring that he might be a bit hot and bothered, I took us through the stream. LOL! He tried to fight it, but had to take it.

To my credit, I only took him through two of them and let him avoid the other three. It’s just the kind of guy that I am. Well, to add insult to injury, I made him sit and took his picture!

I guess that the title of the post is 1/2 accurate because his right side was still dry; however, all is not loss, the sprinklers come on at 7:25 AM tomorrow … maybe we’ll just happen to be walking by in the other direction! Haha!

Drive-thru conversations

Posted by Paul on July 11, 2010
Posted in: Humor. Tagged: .

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Robert (flying through the air) and Jesse doing some of that Jet Li stuff!

On the lunch break during the workshop on Saturday, I went to Chick-Fil-A to grab a bite to eat. As I pulled my car to the window, an interesting conversation took place:

Drive Through Guy (DTG): Hello, sir. That will be $7.32.
Paul: Here you go (hands ATM card)
DTG: (Noticing quite dapper black Peaceful Dragon Shirt): Hey! Are you a teacher over there?
Paul: No. I’m a student.
DTG: What do they teach over there?
Paul: Mostly Tai Chi and Kung Fu.
DTG: Do they teach that stuff that Jet Li does?
Paul: Well, Jet Li does a number of different martial arts.
DTG: I guess what I want to know is that can they teach me to kick ass like Jet Li?
Paul (Laughs). Well, I guess you could learn.
DTG: How long would it take?
Paul: Well, around 10,000 – 20,000 hours, if you practice daily.
DTG: Man! I ain’t got that kinda time. I just want to learn how to kick ass!
Paul: (Smiles, on the edge of cracking up): Well, it takes lots of practice to be like Jet Li.
DTG: How much does it cost?
Paul: You should check it out for yourself. You might consider it a bargain.
DTG: I don’t know. It sounds like too much time and money. Here’s your food. Have a nice day.
Paul: You too.

I wonder if Jet Li got it for free. Fun stuff! :-)

Believing is seeing

Posted by Paul on January 12, 2010
Posted in: Humor, Photography.

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Frequently life will provide a little humor for me and allow me to gain a little bit of insight into myself. Yesterday was such a day. You’ve heard the term, seeing is believing? Well, to turn the phrase a bit, believing is seeing. An example:

I left work at about 4:30 PM thinking that I’d have about 1 hour to shoot a bit. I wanted to take the Leica out and shoot with it as I’ve not really shot with it much since coming back from New York. My thoughts on the way to the parking lot were as follows:

  • It’s been cold every day for the past week.
  • Cold drains batteries. My batteries are probably dead, but I hope not
  • I remember that I didn’t load film into the Leica the last time that I emptied it.

I got to the car, opened the trunk, took out the Leica. Sure enough, it was empty. I noticed, also, that I’d left the shutter speed dial set to 1/60 of a second, which means that if the shutter was pressed, the battery would be dead. No matter, though … batteries not required. I picked up the camera, looked through the viewfinder, pressed the shutter release, and just as I ‘expected’, no battery! Dang! Oh well, I can guess at the exposure or use one of the other cameras to give me the exposure.

Next, no film! I was right, there was no film to be found! I had several rolls of 120 film and a 645e just waiting for action. But I couldn’t ‘see’ it. I was so focused on using the Leica, when all that I wanted to do was to shoot a bit of B&W film.

Well, I gave up and when home only to find out, after taking the cameras out of the car and into the apartment, that the battery in the Leica was just fine. I hadn’t cocked the shutter! Doh! And the batteries in the other cameras were fully functional as well. I just couldn’t see the forest because of that one Leica tree! :-) I saw everything that I believed. Everything!

All I could do was let out a nice big laugh when I thought about it. It happens that way too when shooting photos, especially when I go out with expectations of shooting something in particular. When I have those expectations only 2 things can happen:

  1. I will get what I was after
  2. I won’t get what I was after

If my mind is not open to other possibilities then I miss all other opportunities with such limited thinking. I have to remember this. It was shown in a huge way yesterday! Maybe I’ll try again, today!

A non-snow photo for Paul M.

Posted by Paul on January 9, 2010
Posted in: Humor, Personal, Photography. Tagged: .

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In his post, I can dream, can’t I?, Paul Maxim was lamenting the cold weather and subsequent photos posted on various blogs of cold, snowy places. He posted a beautiful shot of Middleton Place, one of the tourist areas in the Charleston area. A place that I’ve never been.

So, I just thought that I post a nice shot of the Ashley River that I took the other day. There is no snow. Mind you, the wind was blowing and the temperature was plummeting, but you can’t tell that from the photo, so it’s OK.

The weather here in Charleston, SC has been pretty chilly. We’ve had 20 degree temperatures most every morning. Right now it’s 27 degrees outside, but fortunately, we’ve not had any of the white stuff. I can hardly imagine what would happen here if the flakes started to fall. I think that it would be worse then Charlotte. Last year in Charlotte they closed some of the schools because there was a FORECAST of snow!!! No actual snow fell, but the schools were still closed. Amazing!

Anyway, here’s a non-snow photo just for your Paul M. Just doing my little bit to help out against S.A.D.

Oh, and about that T.V. watching. I’ve not had a T.V. for months and months. This morning, I was at a hotel in Fayetteville, NC, in the lobby. The television was on. I could only stay near it for about 5 minutes, before I had to leave. I thought that I was going to go insane! I don’t miss the boob tube!